I’m sure raising kids has never been a picnic, but it feels
like it keeps getting harder, am I right?
There is a prevailing concern about making sure we instill a sense of self-esteem
and self-worth, making them know they are unique and the world needs one of
them – exactly the way they are. At the
same time, we are supposed to make sure they know they are not THAT special,
and no more special than anyone else, and really just take it easy on the confidence
so you don’t inhibit anyone else’s efforts to feel good about themselves.
As difficult as that is regardless, I feel a unique pressure
as a woman raising a daughter. I want my
three-year-old to grow up knowing that she can absolutely do anything a boy can
do. Being a female should empower her,
and never hold her back. I want her to
know she can HAVE it all if she wants – a career, a family, hobbies and
interests that make her thrive – but she shouldn’t be expected to DO it all. In other words, by all means “lean in,” but
if you’re not feeling it, then also don’t let society tell you that you should just
keep leaning harder solely for the benefit of women’s progress. You are one person.
For now, I try to just let my daughter be who she wants to be,
playing with everything from dolls and jewelry to trucks and superheroes. Without any prompting, she loves playing mommy
and has declared her favorite colors to be purple and pink. I will admit, however, I am secretly satisfied
when she pulls bows out of her hair and yells, “I am NOT a princess.” That’s right, baby. You are nobody’s princess. You’re a damn queen, so go get it. Be a doctor.
Storm the boardroom. Start a
nonprofit. Change the world.
I want her to feel beautiful and confident, but I want her
to absolutely know that physical appearance – of herself, her home, her “things”
– won’t provide a fulfilling life and have nothing to do with what she brings
to the world. I find myself hesitating
to use words like “pretty” when I speak to my daughter because I want her to
find her self-worth completely outside of the flowers on her dress. I know there are articles out there
encouraging adults to speak to girls differently than we typically do. Instead of focusing on how pretty her outfit
is, ask her about her favorite books. I
buy into that, but as with anything else, it can be overdone. Pretty also isn’t a bad word.
I do think it’s important to recognize beauty in our
children when we see it. I’m not talking
perfectly braided hair and a coordinated wardrobe, because between you and me
there is none of that happening around here (I’m sorry honey, a lot of that is
going to be your mommy’s fault). When I
was putting my daughter in her carseat after church this morning, she was
smiling and giggling and her eyes were just sparkling. I completely stopped my fumbling with her
carseat straps and said, “Baby girl, you are so beautiful.” She did a double take, smiled bigger, and
then said confidently, “I’m beautiful! Mommy,
you’re beautiful, too!” It’s in these moments
when true beauty becomes visible – when she is wrapped up in living and enjoying
the moment and her spirit shines through.
That’s the kind of beauty we don’t need to hesitate to call out, because
we can do no harm when we catch someone living their truth. And isn’t that when we all look our most beautiful?
This realization has me reflecting on all the times when my three-year-old
is truly beautiful to me – when her spirit shines through. I can see her spirit when she smiles and holds
up a picture she colored for me, when she completes a puzzle all by herself, when
she proudly stands up and surveys a hole she dug in the dirt and wipes her
hands on her pants. These things will
evolve as she matures and truly finds her niche. Whether it be nailing a math test, painting a
landscape, honing her sport or instrument – whatever she chooses to do, I know
when she finds what ignites her spirit it will be evident. And I can’t wait to say, “My sweet girl, you
are so beautiful.”
