Sunday, November 16, 2014

Let them be toddlers


I recently took my son to the library, which he loves because of the children’s room full of legos, trains, and firefighter hats.  Incidentally, this visit went much more smoothly than the last because I am now fully informed of the library’s hours.  Never again will I enter the doors right before the 10 minute warning is sounded over the loudspeaker, only to endure the wrath of a two-year-old who wasn’t allowed time to build the tower of his dreams (seriously, the library closes at 5 o’clock on a Friday?!). 
But anyway, that’s not my point.  The real purpose of this post is to lament about the conversations I overheard from other parents of toddlers.  As my son was occupying himself at the train table, I was distracted in overhearing a woman say, “Did your son just say ‘existentialism’?”  It was a mother of another boy whose age I would estimate at 18 months.  Her question was directed at a father who was hovering over his three-year-old.  “Oh yes,” he replied, “but he doesn’t quite know how to use it correctly yet.  His stronger talent is in music right now.  He loves Mozart, and he has always had an impeccable sense of rhythm.”
Huh?  Did he just say that?  His child is three!  Okay, so all of us think our children are geniuses, but who says something like that out loud, let alone to a stranger?  At least I had a kindred spirit in the unsuspecting mother as she replied only with polite and encouraging words.  She offered such phrases as “Oh, you must be so proud…That’s really impressive…” and multiple variations of this as the father made a spectacle of explaining to his son the proper architectural form to be used in building a structurally sound lego tower.  I did describe him as “hovering” over his child, correct?  That was intentional.
I shook that off as a fluke as I re-focused my attention on my son, who was explaining to me how the choo-choo goes over the bridge.  Yes, this is how a toddler should be.  As I was digging through the parts bin for extra sections of train track, I picked up on another conversation over by the dress-up clothes.  This one was about selecting a preschool.  Two mothers were talking, rather loudly, about the merits of homeschooling vs. Montessori schools vs. a private and very selective daycare.  One planned to homeschool as long as possible, while the other was weighing her options and in the process of conducting interviews.  “I just feel the personal attention and loving environment they receive at home from me is the best option, and then I control the curriculum,” said the first.  “We’re just looking for the best possible environment to help prepare them to be responsible adults and contributors to society,” said the other, explaining why she was also looking at options outside of the home.
Seriously, where was I?  Have I simply been sheltered from these conversations to this point because my son is just now nearing preschool age?  Are the friendly hellos I share with parents of children in my son’s daycare room masking some sort of crazy competitive urges that are just waiting to burst from all of us?  It made me sick.  Not only what I overheard and the thought of what may lie ahead, but also the voice in the back of my mind that started to wander…Should I expose my child to more classical music?  He definitely likes music, but would I say he has an impeccable sense of rhythm?  Should he?  Is his vocabulary large enough?
STOP.  That familiar, second guessing, mommy-guilt voice shut up quickly when my son put his arms around my waist and said, “This is fun, Mommy!  I love you!”  We happily selected some books to take home and went on our way.  As I reflect back on this experience, I learned several things:

1)      I am not ready for my son to grow up.  I’m not ready for parent committees and competitive sports leagues and grade point averages and blah blah blah.  He is perfectly unique the way he is, and I don’t want anyone comparing him to anyone else, and I definitely don’t want him comparing himself to others.

2)      I am in no hurry for my toddler to act like an adult.  Sure, we’ll continue to work on letters and numbers and make sure he has a supportive (yet fun) environment in which to learn at home.  We’ll teach proper manners and respect and make sure he’s helpful and polite.  However, we will also play in the rain, make messes, and laugh at silly things.  Because, he is a freaking toddler.  He has his whole life to be responsible.

3)      I will try my best not to hover.  He will be who he wants to be, and he will be interested in what he likes.  My job is to expose him to opportunities to find what makes him tick, regardless of what that ends up being.

4)      The most important thing to me is the type of person my child becomes.  Not his profession or his IQ or his favorite classical composer.  I’m concerned with how he treats people and that he remains humble and kind.  If he never engages in a conversation like the ones I overheard at the library, I’ll be happy.

5)      We’re in for it.  Based on what I learn from friends and coworkers with older children, it gets competitive fast.  It’s going to be hard – for my husband and I, yes, but more importantly for our child.  As we prepare to send him into the world this was a rude awakening to how huge that responsibility really is.  There’s a lot outside of the walls of our home, and he won’t be two forever. 
This parenting gig is pretty permanent, and I’m realizing the most important work is yet to come.  I won’t be perfect, I will falter many times, and I will no doubt go against the learnings I rattled off here.  I am grateful, however, for previews like this that make me stop and think.  When I get impatient with my son for not sitting still through church or neglecting to use his fork, the library parents come into my brain.  And suddenly, I am fine with his fidgeting and let the table manners go for a second, if for no other reason than spite – spite for those who would force our children to grow up faster than they need to.  It goes by quickly enough.

1 comment:

  1. Great post Andrea. Grant's favorite place to go is the childrens museum. The key is to get a membership. He is then free to go wherever he wants for as long or as little and enjoy whatever strikes him. The parents without a membership are constantly dragging there kids away from something they are enjoying to get their moneys worth by seeing all the exhibits. Relax and enjoy as it won't last.

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